“My brother, e ku exchange rate oh.”
“Excuse me?”
“I am greeting you. I am saying how are you and the exchange rate palaver. The dollar wahala”.
“So, that is why you are saying e ku exchange rate. Is something wrong with you Yoruba people? Must you turn everything into a form of greeting?”
“You are insulting me?”
“I am making a statement”
“Meaning?”
“Any serious matter at all, you and your people must turn it into something else. E ku exchange rate? What kind of greeting is that? Yoruba will say e ku election, e ku democracy, e ku change, e ku ana, e ku gbogbo e, gbogbo e, e ku democracy. I am tired of answering you people and your cynical greetings.”
“The people don’t mean any harm.”
“That was how somebody came to me the other day and said e ku Mecca, Medina, e ku Qatar. I felt like slapping the guy.”
“Ha.”
“I don’t like hypocrites.”
“Would you have felt better, if he had told you e ku living upside down, e ku idorikodo, e pele change?”
“I would just have been livid, because I know you and your people. Too much cynicism.”
“Can you stop?”
“You know me, I speak my mind.”
“No. You are beginning to sound like Donald Trump. Stop Trump-ing other people, just because you don’t know where they are coming from.”
“But of course I know where you are coming from when you say e ku exchange rate”.
“Where am I coming from? I just left my house”
“My friend. Sit down. “
“You too stop going upanddan”
“Okay, you want to talk about exchange rate. I am listening. The way it is, everybody is now an economist in Nigeria. Even my driver yesterday was telling me about the behaviour of the parallel market. And I overheard the nanny commenting on the 2016 budget and how it may, in the long run affect the housekeeping allowance.”
“That’s a criminal in the making. You should sack that housekeeper. She certainly wants to pad the housekeeping allowance.”
“You know these people also watch television. She must have listened to stories about padding on television and radio may be, and she may think it is perfectly normal in today’s Nigeria to pad figures.”
“These things run deep, I agree. But a crook is a crook. Better keep an eye on that housekeeper and let her know that this is the era of prudence, discipline and you-steal-you-get-caught-you-blame yourself-and-may-be-go-to-wa wi-tenu-e places.“
“Don’t worry, I am the EFCC of my house, nobody can pad anything. I am on top of it. I do more market research and monitoring than Madam.”
“I don’t get it. You now go to the market while Madam stays home?”
“You can say what you like, but I can tell you authoritatively that a bag of rice which used to be N8, 500 is now N12, 500. Pampers was N1, 450, it is now within three weeks, N1, 850.”
“Pampers?”
“Yes”
“What’s your business with pampers?”
“What is not my business with pampers? I am a very active man, upstairs and downstairs. You don’t think I should be interested in all things material and particular and eventual? “
“You have really changed. What happened to you?”
“Are you interested in my findings or you want to discuss something else?”
“Carry on. I am listening.”
“A congo of garri was N250 a few weeks ago, it is now N500”
“Common garri?”
“Garri has changed oh. It is no longer common”
“Really?”
“Stop saying really? Be a man and do your own research before Madam and the housekeeper drive you into bankruptcy by adding something of their own to the real figures and giving you false information. You must be proactive.”
“I am with you”
“See, I like to drink Andre. A carton used to be about N20,000. Can you believe it has jumped up to N24,500?”
“Andre? What is that?”
“It is a kind of wine. Middle class taste. I like it.”
“So cheap? Some other people drink Crystal, Cliquot, didn’t know you are just a bush man with all your big mouth. Andre. Please stop disgracing somebody.”
“A carton of Carlo Rossi, a week ago was N14,000, it is now N17, 500.
“Carlo Rossi? Who is that? A football coach?
“Even the cost of paraga and alomo, kasaprenko has gone up.”
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